My Thoughts

I finished watching "The Keepers" on Netflix the other night, although it was hard I continued to watch. It shows how far the churches will go to cover up the abuse and they make sure the priest/pastor is either sent away or made unavailable, even though things are changing about this with all the ones coming out about abuse in churches, the churches still have a lot to answer to and a long way to go to improve things.

 One thing I did learn from watching the show and listening to one of the survivors is that it wasn't God's fault, after what happened to me, I lost all faith in God and church, I blamed God for it happening, when really it's not his fault it happened, its the fault of the pedophile that did it to me. I still have some healing to do, I am getting there slowly.

 I am looking into some more therapy and looking into EMDR as Jackie who left a comment on my last post suggested, I have emailed a place that does this type of therapy that is close to me. I need to do something as the way I am living and feeling is not good for me at all.

Sometimes I think I wished I had never gone through with the court case and all as that just brought it all back up again but then I remember that I helped but him away and got him off the streets so he couldn't hurt anyone else, that is one of my biggest fear at the moment that maybe I could of stopped him earlier from hurting others if I had just continued with placing charges against him, he then wouldn't of been able to hurt B but then I remember that things were different back then and that I probably wouldn't of made a difference back then but I have made a difference now.

 My mind just races sometimes and it's so hard to get it to stop, I have been planning and crocheting more to try and help with it all, the hardest part is at night when I want to go to sleep but my mind doesn't, I just wish it would turn off and stop racing around.