Life Happens

 It sure has been awhile since I posted here, life happens and sometimes I don't know what to write or feel like sharing.

A lot has happened since I last posted, we have moved and had to downsize, still getting use to the smaller space but I'm liking living here. We don't have any dogs anymore, Sammy crossed over the rainbow last year before we moved to the new place, I miss not having him and Chloe and Snoopy around, miss their cuddles. 

I am still struggling with my mental health and seeing the doctor to try and get on top of it, I'm on a waiting list to see a psychologist. Cause of my mental health and the way I've been feeling I have let other health issues slide and they have now caught up on me, my diabetes was out of control, I'm still getting if under control but still have a long way to go, I've also put weight on and really need to work on losing the weight as it will help me. I have just been diagnosed with scheuermann's disease in lumbar spine and so now have chronic back pain which drives me nuts some days especially after shopping. I am slowly working on me and am hoping to start seeing some small improvements soon.

It has been 6 years since I had to go to court and face him, I still have trouble with it all and am now on a new tablet at night to help me sleep, it is helping and I am sleeping better which is good, I thought that I would of been able to let things go by now but it's not working that way, guess it has affected me more that I thought it had, I just wish I could be normal, whatever normal is. I do know that I can't change what happened in my past but I can change what happens in the future and I know it starts with me and making myself better. I chose the word SELF as my word of the year and I need to start doing things for me and putting me first.

My Thoughts

I finished watching "The Keepers" on Netflix the other night, although it was hard I continued to watch. It shows how far the churches will go to cover up the abuse and they make sure the priest/pastor is either sent away or made unavailable, even though things are changing about this with all the ones coming out about abuse in churches, the churches still have a lot to answer to and a long way to go to improve things.

 One thing I did learn from watching the show and listening to one of the survivors is that it wasn't God's fault, after what happened to me, I lost all faith in God and church, I blamed God for it happening, when really it's not his fault it happened, its the fault of the pedophile that did it to me. I still have some healing to do, I am getting there slowly.

 I am looking into some more therapy and looking into EMDR as Jackie who left a comment on my last post suggested, I have emailed a place that does this type of therapy that is close to me. I need to do something as the way I am living and feeling is not good for me at all.

Sometimes I think I wished I had never gone through with the court case and all as that just brought it all back up again but then I remember that I helped but him away and got him off the streets so he couldn't hurt anyone else, that is one of my biggest fear at the moment that maybe I could of stopped him earlier from hurting others if I had just continued with placing charges against him, he then wouldn't of been able to hurt B but then I remember that things were different back then and that I probably wouldn't of made a difference back then but I have made a difference now.

 My mind just races sometimes and it's so hard to get it to stop, I have been planning and crocheting more to try and help with it all, the hardest part is at night when I want to go to sleep but my mind doesn't, I just wish it would turn off and stop racing around.

My Thoughts

It's been a little while since I posted here, I haven't been doing so good and just haven't been able to bring myself to post about it. I'm still struggling but I thought maybe someone else is going through the same and I may be able to help them by posting how I am doing.

On the 1st February it marked a year since he was sentenced, I've been having flashbacks and haven't been dealing with it at all. Some days I wonder why I keep going on as some days as just so damn hard. Some days I just want to curl up in a corner and rock back and forwards, other days I just want to sleep all day and not do a thing. I'm finding that I really don't want to go out of the house, though on certain days I do push myself to go out. I know I probably should go and see a psychologist but have found that she just kept making me relive it all and didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. I have been trying to do things for myself like being creative, I've been decorating my planner and have started Bullet Journaling which I'm finding helps me.

I thought by now that I would start feeling better and not having the flashbacks but I guess it's affecting me more then I thought. I know I'm not just going to get over it and it is going to take awhile before I start feeling ok. At the moment I am not really taking care of myself, I'm putting on weight cause of the emotional eating, I should be doing insulin of a morning but haven't been, I'm really letting myself go and my body is starting to let me know about it but I just feel a lack of motivation to do anything about it, it all just seems so hard and I'm so over doing anything hard. I know my health is important and I know my parents worry about me but as I said its just so hard to get motivated to do anything about it.

All I know is that I will keep fighting and I will keep going on and taking each day as it comes as I didn't come this far to give up. It is just going to take time

Fault

For a long time I would think that what happened to me was my fault. That I must of done something to encourage him, or said something. I lived with this for a long time before realising that it isn't my fault at all. 

The fault lies with him, he is the one that is at fault, I didn't do anything or say anything to encourage him. It was him who decided that he would do what he did and abuse the friendship and trust I had in him. He was the one that swindled his way into our family and then betrayed our trust by raping me not once but twice and then making me think that it was my fault and I had asked for it. 

In the last year I have learnt so much about him that I never knew, he is a predator, a pedophile, a liar and a nasty man. He swindled his way into other families and hurt them as well. All the hurt that he has put on his victims is his fault not ours. What he did to us we have to live with forever, yes we may eventually put it in the back of our heads and lock it away but we know its always there and that anything can trigger it and open it all up again. Thanks to him we no longer feel safe and no longer trust as we used to.

I found out the other week that he is looking to appeal his sentence, he thinks he got too long, well I think he didn't get long enough and if he does go ahead with the appeal, I hope they give him longer or leave it as is. He doesn't deserve less time he deserves more time and lets hope they see it that way.

Not What I Thought

A few weeks ago I sent off a form to the Department of Justice to be put on the victims register. Yesterday I got a phone call from a lady to say that they had received it and had processed it, she told me she is sending out some info for me as well. I asked her if the info she is sending me will have where he is, as B and I have been wanting to know this since he was sentenced. She looked it up for me and told me that on the 5th May he was moved from Parklea to a prison on the south coast of NSW, Australia (don't want to say exact location incase I'm not allowed to share) and he is in maximum security.


I'm glad he is in maximum security, though was shocked to hear where he is as I thought he would of gone somewhere else.

This month and next month are hard as May and June is when the assaults happened 27 years ago. Since it all been has been brought up again 2 years ago I've been finding that I have more flashbacks and find it hard to go to sleep. I'm hoping that it will all eventually settle down and it won't be so hard on me.

I'm not seeing my psychologist at the moment, I'm seeing how I go and if I need to see one I will look at seeing a new one as I wasn't real happy with the one I was seeing.

I am starting to scrapbook and plan in my planner more lately which helps me take  my mind off things and I also enjoy it so it's my therapy.

How I'm doing

I'm still having a hard time getting my head around it all and still taking time to sink in that the court stuff is all over and done with after dealing with it for 2 years. Though things are starting to look up and I'm not having that many flashbacks especially at night when I'm trying to go to sleep.

I'm still trying to work out who I am, I know I'm a daughter, sister,wife, Aunt and friend but I don't know "WHO" I am!!! and I need to work on that and find out where I fit into the world and what I'm meant to be doing.

I'm finding that the support groups I'm in on Facebook really help me as well as it's good to be able to talk to others that have been through the same or similar as they understand a bit more. I also have a lot of support from family and friends which helps me get through every day.

I have started to get creative again and have been decorating my planner, have also made a start on Project Life, its good to be getting creative again as it does help me and I do enjoy doing it, was starting to miss it.

Sentencing

Sentencing finally happened on Monday 1st February at 2pm.

It's the day we have all been waiting for to finally see him put away and to find out how long he would be in for. The judge summed up all 6 cases which was really hard to hear what he had done to the others, when he came to read out mine, I got upset, I had my mum, Zoe and my friend B that is another of his victims to support me, B and I supported each other through it all. Some of what the judge said we didn't understand but we did understand when he read out the sentence. Troy Walker got 13 years with a 10 year non parole period. The detective and his boss said to us later that it was a really good result and that we should be proud of ourselves.

B ran out of the courtroom and I ran after her, I hugged her tight while she broke down, we both ended up breaking down. After awhile we let go and made our way out of the building. Mum and I said our goodbyes as we had to catch a taxi to the airport, was hard to leave B as I felt I needed to be there for her.

I don't know how I feel about it all, I still feel numb about it all. I think because we have dealt with it for 2 years that to have it finally over with is a bit of a shock. My psychologist said to me when I saw her on Tuesday (9th Feb) that I didn't seem to be so stressed, I said I think its cause a weight has been lifted off me but still not feeling like me. She said it's going to take time for me to get back to feeling like me again and to be easy on myself. I have to remember that we won and that he is where he is belongs and he can't hurt me, B or anyone else. I have been listening to my theme song Warrior by Demi Lovato a lot lately as I find that helps but some days are just so hard and I wonder if I can go on.

There was a journalist in the courtroom from The Newcastle Herald, she did a story about it and you can read it here if you like Bible Leads to Jail Cell