My Thoughts

I finished watching "The Keepers" on Netflix the other night, although it was hard I continued to watch. It shows how far the churches will go to cover up the abuse and they make sure the priest/pastor is either sent away or made unavailable, even though things are changing about this with all the ones coming out about abuse in churches, the churches still have a lot to answer to and a long way to go to improve things.

 One thing I did learn from watching the show and listening to one of the survivors is that it wasn't God's fault, after what happened to me, I lost all faith in God and church, I blamed God for it happening, when really it's not his fault it happened, its the fault of the pedophile that did it to me. I still have some healing to do, I am getting there slowly.

 I am looking into some more therapy and looking into EMDR as Jackie who left a comment on my last post suggested, I have emailed a place that does this type of therapy that is close to me. I need to do something as the way I am living and feeling is not good for me at all.

Sometimes I think I wished I had never gone through with the court case and all as that just brought it all back up again but then I remember that I helped but him away and got him off the streets so he couldn't hurt anyone else, that is one of my biggest fear at the moment that maybe I could of stopped him earlier from hurting others if I had just continued with placing charges against him, he then wouldn't of been able to hurt B but then I remember that things were different back then and that I probably wouldn't of made a difference back then but I have made a difference now.

 My mind just races sometimes and it's so hard to get it to stop, I have been planning and crocheting more to try and help with it all, the hardest part is at night when I want to go to sleep but my mind doesn't, I just wish it would turn off and stop racing around.

Not What I Thought

A few weeks ago I sent off a form to the Department of Justice to be put on the victims register. Yesterday I got a phone call from a lady to say that they had received it and had processed it, she told me she is sending out some info for me as well. I asked her if the info she is sending me will have where he is, as B and I have been wanting to know this since he was sentenced. She looked it up for me and told me that on the 5th May he was moved from Parklea to a prison on the south coast of NSW, Australia (don't want to say exact location incase I'm not allowed to share) and he is in maximum security.


I'm glad he is in maximum security, though was shocked to hear where he is as I thought he would of gone somewhere else.

This month and next month are hard as May and June is when the assaults happened 27 years ago. Since it all been has been brought up again 2 years ago I've been finding that I have more flashbacks and find it hard to go to sleep. I'm hoping that it will all eventually settle down and it won't be so hard on me.

I'm not seeing my psychologist at the moment, I'm seeing how I go and if I need to see one I will look at seeing a new one as I wasn't real happy with the one I was seeing.

I am starting to scrapbook and plan in my planner more lately which helps me take  my mind off things and I also enjoy it so it's my therapy.

Sentencing

Sentencing finally happened on Monday 1st February at 2pm.

It's the day we have all been waiting for to finally see him put away and to find out how long he would be in for. The judge summed up all 6 cases which was really hard to hear what he had done to the others, when he came to read out mine, I got upset, I had my mum, Zoe and my friend B that is another of his victims to support me, B and I supported each other through it all. Some of what the judge said we didn't understand but we did understand when he read out the sentence. Troy Walker got 13 years with a 10 year non parole period. The detective and his boss said to us later that it was a really good result and that we should be proud of ourselves.

B ran out of the courtroom and I ran after her, I hugged her tight while she broke down, we both ended up breaking down. After awhile we let go and made our way out of the building. Mum and I said our goodbyes as we had to catch a taxi to the airport, was hard to leave B as I felt I needed to be there for her.

I don't know how I feel about it all, I still feel numb about it all. I think because we have dealt with it for 2 years that to have it finally over with is a bit of a shock. My psychologist said to me when I saw her on Tuesday (9th Feb) that I didn't seem to be so stressed, I said I think its cause a weight has been lifted off me but still not feeling like me. She said it's going to take time for me to get back to feeling like me again and to be easy on myself. I have to remember that we won and that he is where he is belongs and he can't hurt me, B or anyone else. I have been listening to my theme song Warrior by Demi Lovato a lot lately as I find that helps but some days are just so hard and I wonder if I can go on.

There was a journalist in the courtroom from The Newcastle Herald, she did a story about it and you can read it here if you like Bible Leads to Jail Cell

Feeling Gutted

January 22nd 2016 was suppose to be when Troy Walker would get sentenced. My mum and I flew up on Thursday 21st so that we were up there ready for the sentencing, well we get into court on the Friday and it turns out to be just a hearing which we didn't need to be there for and now sentencing is on Monday 1st February. They told us that it's better this way as then he won't have any reasons to appeal, which I fully understand and I don't want him to have any kind of way to appeal, its just so frustrating when you psyched yourself up ready for the sentencing and then it doesn't happen, it feels like getting kicked in the stomach. I'm so over it all and just want it over and done with. Myself and another survivor who I have become friends with had a good cry afterwards. We are both so frustrated and angry over it all, we both just want it over with.

Now we have to wait another week to finally be able to begin to close the door on this and move on with our lives.

I also have another theme song that I have been listening to a lot lately, its Warrior by Demi Lovato