Life Happens

 It sure has been awhile since I posted here, life happens and sometimes I don't know what to write or feel like sharing.

A lot has happened since I last posted, we have moved and had to downsize, still getting use to the smaller space but I'm liking living here. We don't have any dogs anymore, Sammy crossed over the rainbow last year before we moved to the new place, I miss not having him and Chloe and Snoopy around, miss their cuddles. 

I am still struggling with my mental health and seeing the doctor to try and get on top of it, I'm on a waiting list to see a psychologist. Cause of my mental health and the way I've been feeling I have let other health issues slide and they have now caught up on me, my diabetes was out of control, I'm still getting if under control but still have a long way to go, I've also put weight on and really need to work on losing the weight as it will help me. I have just been diagnosed with scheuermann's disease in lumbar spine and so now have chronic back pain which drives me nuts some days especially after shopping. I am slowly working on me and am hoping to start seeing some small improvements soon.

It has been 6 years since I had to go to court and face him, I still have trouble with it all and am now on a new tablet at night to help me sleep, it is helping and I am sleeping better which is good, I thought that I would of been able to let things go by now but it's not working that way, guess it has affected me more that I thought it had, I just wish I could be normal, whatever normal is. I do know that I can't change what happened in my past but I can change what happens in the future and I know it starts with me and making myself better. I chose the word SELF as my word of the year and I need to start doing things for me and putting me first.

My Thoughts

I finished watching "The Keepers" on Netflix the other night, although it was hard I continued to watch. It shows how far the churches will go to cover up the abuse and they make sure the priest/pastor is either sent away or made unavailable, even though things are changing about this with all the ones coming out about abuse in churches, the churches still have a lot to answer to and a long way to go to improve things.

 One thing I did learn from watching the show and listening to one of the survivors is that it wasn't God's fault, after what happened to me, I lost all faith in God and church, I blamed God for it happening, when really it's not his fault it happened, its the fault of the pedophile that did it to me. I still have some healing to do, I am getting there slowly.

 I am looking into some more therapy and looking into EMDR as Jackie who left a comment on my last post suggested, I have emailed a place that does this type of therapy that is close to me. I need to do something as the way I am living and feeling is not good for me at all.

Sometimes I think I wished I had never gone through with the court case and all as that just brought it all back up again but then I remember that I helped but him away and got him off the streets so he couldn't hurt anyone else, that is one of my biggest fear at the moment that maybe I could of stopped him earlier from hurting others if I had just continued with placing charges against him, he then wouldn't of been able to hurt B but then I remember that things were different back then and that I probably wouldn't of made a difference back then but I have made a difference now.

 My mind just races sometimes and it's so hard to get it to stop, I have been planning and crocheting more to try and help with it all, the hardest part is at night when I want to go to sleep but my mind doesn't, I just wish it would turn off and stop racing around.