My Thoughts

I finished watching "The Keepers" on Netflix the other night, although it was hard I continued to watch. It shows how far the churches will go to cover up the abuse and they make sure the priest/pastor is either sent away or made unavailable, even though things are changing about this with all the ones coming out about abuse in churches, the churches still have a lot to answer to and a long way to go to improve things.

 One thing I did learn from watching the show and listening to one of the survivors is that it wasn't God's fault, after what happened to me, I lost all faith in God and church, I blamed God for it happening, when really it's not his fault it happened, its the fault of the pedophile that did it to me. I still have some healing to do, I am getting there slowly.

 I am looking into some more therapy and looking into EMDR as Jackie who left a comment on my last post suggested, I have emailed a place that does this type of therapy that is close to me. I need to do something as the way I am living and feeling is not good for me at all.

Sometimes I think I wished I had never gone through with the court case and all as that just brought it all back up again but then I remember that I helped but him away and got him off the streets so he couldn't hurt anyone else, that is one of my biggest fear at the moment that maybe I could of stopped him earlier from hurting others if I had just continued with placing charges against him, he then wouldn't of been able to hurt B but then I remember that things were different back then and that I probably wouldn't of made a difference back then but I have made a difference now.

 My mind just races sometimes and it's so hard to get it to stop, I have been planning and crocheting more to try and help with it all, the hardest part is at night when I want to go to sleep but my mind doesn't, I just wish it would turn off and stop racing around.

My Thoughts

It's been a little while since I posted here, I haven't been doing so good and just haven't been able to bring myself to post about it. I'm still struggling but I thought maybe someone else is going through the same and I may be able to help them by posting how I am doing.

On the 1st February it marked a year since he was sentenced, I've been having flashbacks and haven't been dealing with it at all. Some days I wonder why I keep going on as some days as just so damn hard. Some days I just want to curl up in a corner and rock back and forwards, other days I just want to sleep all day and not do a thing. I'm finding that I really don't want to go out of the house, though on certain days I do push myself to go out. I know I probably should go and see a psychologist but have found that she just kept making me relive it all and didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. I have been trying to do things for myself like being creative, I've been decorating my planner and have started Bullet Journaling which I'm finding helps me.

I thought by now that I would start feeling better and not having the flashbacks but I guess it's affecting me more then I thought. I know I'm not just going to get over it and it is going to take awhile before I start feeling ok. At the moment I am not really taking care of myself, I'm putting on weight cause of the emotional eating, I should be doing insulin of a morning but haven't been, I'm really letting myself go and my body is starting to let me know about it but I just feel a lack of motivation to do anything about it, it all just seems so hard and I'm so over doing anything hard. I know my health is important and I know my parents worry about me but as I said its just so hard to get motivated to do anything about it.

All I know is that I will keep fighting and I will keep going on and taking each day as it comes as I didn't come this far to give up. It is just going to take time