Not What I Thought

A few weeks ago I sent off a form to the Department of Justice to be put on the victims register. Yesterday I got a phone call from a lady to say that they had received it and had processed it, she told me she is sending out some info for me as well. I asked her if the info she is sending me will have where he is, as B and I have been wanting to know this since he was sentenced. She looked it up for me and told me that on the 5th May he was moved from Parklea to a prison on the south coast of NSW, Australia (don't want to say exact location incase I'm not allowed to share) and he is in maximum security.


I'm glad he is in maximum security, though was shocked to hear where he is as I thought he would of gone somewhere else.

This month and next month are hard as May and June is when the assaults happened 27 years ago. Since it all been has been brought up again 2 years ago I've been finding that I have more flashbacks and find it hard to go to sleep. I'm hoping that it will all eventually settle down and it won't be so hard on me.

I'm not seeing my psychologist at the moment, I'm seeing how I go and if I need to see one I will look at seeing a new one as I wasn't real happy with the one I was seeing.

I am starting to scrapbook and plan in my planner more lately which helps me take  my mind off things and I also enjoy it so it's my therapy.

How I'm doing

I'm still having a hard time getting my head around it all and still taking time to sink in that the court stuff is all over and done with after dealing with it for 2 years. Though things are starting to look up and I'm not having that many flashbacks especially at night when I'm trying to go to sleep.

I'm still trying to work out who I am, I know I'm a daughter, sister,wife, Aunt and friend but I don't know "WHO" I am!!! and I need to work on that and find out where I fit into the world and what I'm meant to be doing.

I'm finding that the support groups I'm in on Facebook really help me as well as it's good to be able to talk to others that have been through the same or similar as they understand a bit more. I also have a lot of support from family and friends which helps me get through every day.

I have started to get creative again and have been decorating my planner, have also made a start on Project Life, its good to be getting creative again as it does help me and I do enjoy doing it, was starting to miss it.

Sentencing

Sentencing finally happened on Monday 1st February at 2pm.

It's the day we have all been waiting for to finally see him put away and to find out how long he would be in for. The judge summed up all 6 cases which was really hard to hear what he had done to the others, when he came to read out mine, I got upset, I had my mum, Zoe and my friend B that is another of his victims to support me, B and I supported each other through it all. Some of what the judge said we didn't understand but we did understand when he read out the sentence. Troy Walker got 13 years with a 10 year non parole period. The detective and his boss said to us later that it was a really good result and that we should be proud of ourselves.

B ran out of the courtroom and I ran after her, I hugged her tight while she broke down, we both ended up breaking down. After awhile we let go and made our way out of the building. Mum and I said our goodbyes as we had to catch a taxi to the airport, was hard to leave B as I felt I needed to be there for her.

I don't know how I feel about it all, I still feel numb about it all. I think because we have dealt with it for 2 years that to have it finally over with is a bit of a shock. My psychologist said to me when I saw her on Tuesday (9th Feb) that I didn't seem to be so stressed, I said I think its cause a weight has been lifted off me but still not feeling like me. She said it's going to take time for me to get back to feeling like me again and to be easy on myself. I have to remember that we won and that he is where he is belongs and he can't hurt me, B or anyone else. I have been listening to my theme song Warrior by Demi Lovato a lot lately as I find that helps but some days are just so hard and I wonder if I can go on.

There was a journalist in the courtroom from The Newcastle Herald, she did a story about it and you can read it here if you like Bible Leads to Jail Cell

Feeling Gutted

January 22nd 2016 was suppose to be when Troy Walker would get sentenced. My mum and I flew up on Thursday 21st so that we were up there ready for the sentencing, well we get into court on the Friday and it turns out to be just a hearing which we didn't need to be there for and now sentencing is on Monday 1st February. They told us that it's better this way as then he won't have any reasons to appeal, which I fully understand and I don't want him to have any kind of way to appeal, its just so frustrating when you psyched yourself up ready for the sentencing and then it doesn't happen, it feels like getting kicked in the stomach. I'm so over it all and just want it over and done with. Myself and another survivor who I have become friends with had a good cry afterwards. We are both so frustrated and angry over it all, we both just want it over with.

Now we have to wait another week to finally be able to begin to close the door on this and move on with our lives.

I also have another theme song that I have been listening to a lot lately, its Warrior by Demi Lovato

Why Me

The other day at my session with my psychologist I asked the question "Why Me" and couldn't answer it. I don't know why he did what he did to me, maybe it was because I was an easy target, maybe I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, I will never know the answer as to why he chose me. I sometimes wish I could get an answer to this question and sometimes I just don't want to know. I hate feeling this way and knowing that I can never answer this question.

I was hoping that I could close the door on this, this year but now the sentencing has been pushed back again and is now the 22nd January 2016. I just want it over and done with, I haven't put a number in my head as to what I would like him to get as I know I will be disappointed if he gets less that what I thought, I just hope he gets a decent sentence as I know that the only way to stop him is to lock him up.

I have been doing a lot of colouring in lately and listening to my music as it really helps me, I did manage to get a page done in one of my smash books but haven't done any scrapbooking for 6 months or more. I really miss it and want to get into it again, just having a hard time concentrating on it and getting motivated to do it.

Next year I'm doing One Little Word (OLW) by Ali Edwards again and two words have jumped out at me, they are 'FOCUS' and 'ME' just have to decide which one I'm going to go with and work with next year.

My Feelings

The above sums up how I feel some days, some days I just want to curl up and never get up, some days I feel I just can't go on and its all too hard. I have to remember that I have a lot of people that love and support me.

I am trying to be more upbeat but on days when I don't get a lot of sleep cause of the flashbacks I just feel too tired to do anything. I'm finding that colouring is really helping me though I really do miss scrapping but just can't seem to get interested in doing it.

I was hoping that it would all be over and I could start afresh next year but the sentencing has been pushed back again and is now the 22nd January 2016, wish they would just get it over and done with.

I'm seeing a psychologist that was provided by victim services, she seems ok will see how it goes. I hate feeling the way I do and just wish it would all end.

My Theme Songs

I have a couple of theme songs that I listen to when I'm not coping that well, I find they pick me up and give me hope.

The first one which I have as my ringtone is Rachel Platten's Fight song

The second one is Demi Lovato's Skyscraper, I like this song and listen to it when I feel that I'm letting my abuser control my life, I need to learn and stop letting him control my life